All Beau Had To Do Was Buy One Present. One Freaking Present. Bless His Heart.

It’s so hard. Just so hard. Being a man. Especially around the holidays.

I only have about eighty people to buy presents for. So when Beau steps up to the plate and says he’s going to buy one gift in particular, I’m all for it.

Until the texts start rolling in. In the middle of the day. While I’m at work. Bless his heart.

I’m used to Beau going to the grocery store and calling no less than three times to ask me questions about my list. A list that includes pictures. And a layout of the supermarket. But still a minimum of three calls.

Then I have to hear all about it when he gets home. How all the old ladies congratulated him on being such a good dad. “It’s so amazing what you’re doing. Keep up the good work Dad.”

For the love of God, he’s buying freaking milk. No one ever compliments my parenting. Especially in public. Ever.

But firing up the old laptop and ordering something on Amazon is uncharted territory for Beau. There are no little old ladies applauding his efforts every step of the way. No one there to pat him on the back for being dad numero uno.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received the first text.

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I’ll give him credit for getting it in the cart all by himself. Although I suspect a woman at his office might have played a hand in this. Bless his heart.

Beau is an educated man. He makes more money than me just for having a Y chromosome. Yet I picture him alone and scared in his office. Confused. So very confused.

I mean don’t get me wrong, these are very valid questions.

How do I get it out of the cart and to our house? It’s magic.

What shipping option should I choose? Well let’s see dear heart, Christmas is five freaking days away and you’ve waited this long to make your purchase, so I suggest whateverthef*ck option will have it here by Christmas morn, darling. 

It’s saying it’s not available. What should I do? You should stop at the liquor store on your way home and buy me a bottle of wine that costs more than $4.99. for wasting my time with your nonsense. In the middle of the day. While I’m at work.

Then I think of all of the online purchases I have made over the years. All by myself. With no help from anyone. And I get hangry.

I have made purchases while driving. I have made purchases while giving birth. I have made purchases cooking dinner with both hands tied behind my back.

I have even made purchases out of my mind blind drunk. Only to have them delivered a few days later with absolutely no recollection of making said purchase. I love surprises.

Exhibit A.

me
Still better than an incubator.

Now I’m not proud of all of my online purchases. But my point being, it’s not rocket science. My kids have even managed to rack up hundreds of dollars in purchases by just pressing random buttons. But Beau can’t order one shirt.

To Beau. You just leave the complicated art of Christmas shopping on Amazon to me. I got this, babe. Merry Christmas.

Dude, women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are, and no one corrects them because they want to [beep] them. ~Bill Burr

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