And Just Like That I Am Missing Richard Simmons

I wish I could go back. To about a week ago. When I had no clue that Richard Simmons was even missing.

Before I ever heard of the podcast trying to find him. When my days consisted of teaching students and raising my own children. It was such a simpler time.

Now my days are filled with my latest obsession. Right up there with who killed Jon Benet? And where in God’s name is that Malaysian airplane?

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Now I spend my time listening to podcasts about Richard Simmons. And podcasts about the podcast of Richard Simmons. I haven’t showered in days. My kids are eating uncooked macaroni and drinking expired milk.

All because of Richard Simmons. I am obsessed. I need to know where he is. I need to know why he abandoned us all.

I get it that he’s a human being and is allowed to retreat to his mansion to never be heard from again. With his housekeeper, Teresa Reveles. Who may or may not be a witch.

But to leave behind all of his loyal friends and followers with no explanation? How about Mauro Oliveira? His friend slash assistant slash masseuse slash whatevs. If I was to become a recluse, I’d surely alert my masseuse first and foremost.

I’m just totally fascinated by this story. Is he okay? Is he being held captive? Is he terribly depressed?

And the one question I know we’re all wondering… did he get fat?

I mean that would really explain it all. You can’t be a world renown fitness guru if you’re fat. You can’t be the king of cardio sporting a spare tire around your waist. You can’t sell as many Dancing to the Oldies videos or Deal a Meal diet plans if you’re not walking the walk while talking the talk.

I know it’s absolutely none of my business. This man owes me nothing. Yet I can’t stop.

I’m in full on panic mode because the podcast series Missing Richard Simmons has only one episode left. What will I do with myself after next Wednesday?

I have learned a lot this last week. Richard’s beloved workout studio is affectionately named Slimmons. I. Can. Not.

And his videos from the 80’s and 90’s are now catching top dollar. I’m going to raid my Aunt Patsy’s basement and see if I can’t cash in. Also he bought his housekeeper a Mercedes one year. I’d probably keep house if there was a Mercedes involved.

But the part of the podcast that really tugged at my heart strings was when his brother Lenny was asked if Richard was happy. He responded, “Happy is kind of a hard word to describe.” That wasn’t very convincing.

I will continue to be obsessed with this story. Because I have nothing else going on in my life. But I will hold this quote by Richard himself close to me at all times.

Everyone in this world is somehow connected, so why not be nice to everybody? ~Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons was choosing kind before choosing kind was cool.

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