My Husband Went to the Grocery Store. Bless His Heart.

A few of my besties and I were chatting the other day. And it just so happened to be over some wine. We got on the subject of the hubses, as we often do. Bless their hearts. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines a martyr as: a person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get praise or sympathy. I do the grocery shopping. I budget the money for it. I know what everyone likes. I know what stores have the best of everything. After doing it for so…

Continue ReadingMy Husband Went to the Grocery Store. Bless His Heart.

And Just Like That. I’ve Turned Into My Mom.

It has been twelve years since we got married. Twelve years since we moved into this house. I honestly can't believe it's been that long. Sometimes when I look in the rear view mirror I think, who the hell are these kids? And why are they so damn loud? Sometimes I feel so young. I'm somewhere in my mid-twenties maybe. I drive around and in my head I'm thinking people look at me and must think I'm the nanny. She's way too young and cool to have all those kids…

Continue ReadingAnd Just Like That. I’ve Turned Into My Mom.

What It’s Like To Spend Four Days Drinking in a Carnival Beer Garden

Heaven. It's like heaven. Fasten your seat belts. It is upon us. The parish carnival starts today. It's called Fisher Fest. And it's four fun-filled, action-packed days of rides, cotton candy, games, and booze. It doesn't get any better than this. The Carni rolled into town on Monday and you can smell the excitement in the air. It's party time. We have driven past everyday so far, to make sure all the rides are where they are supposed to be. We have even searched YouTube to watch what the new…

Continue ReadingWhat It’s Like To Spend Four Days Drinking in a Carnival Beer Garden

If You’re a CPS Teacher In September, You’re Hangry and Broke. But Not Alone.

Up until a few years ago CPS teachers got their pay spread out through the entire year. Then it was taken away. So in order to have money over the summer we had to learn how to save throughout the year. And then make it last throughout the summer. Sounds easy. But it's not. At least for me it isn't. And for most of my friends it isn't either. So this is what it's like to be a CPS teacher in the month of September. Breakfast: Toast. With Butter. Lunch:…

Continue ReadingIf You’re a CPS Teacher In September, You’re Hangry and Broke. But Not Alone.

Actually, Stilettos Are Not the Most Practical Choice in a Hurricane. For Realz.

For the love of God. People need to calm the F down. Earlier today I posted a pic of Melania Trump wearing stiletto heels getting on a plane to visit Texas to survey the hurricane damage. It was merely an observation. I found it to be not the most practical form of footwear for a hurricane. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. It was not a political statement. Not in any way, shape, or form. It was a fashion statement. And a bold one at that. I think Melania Trump…

Continue ReadingActually, Stilettos Are Not the Most Practical Choice in a Hurricane. For Realz.

Bye Kids! Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass!

For moms and dads, this might be the most glorious time of year. Getting the kids out of the house. For hours on end. Not having to worry about where they are because you know. They're at school. They're not going to be ringing the doorbell as I'm trying to write, yelling, let me back in! There will be no begging for food ten minutes after breakfast is served. There will be no one telling me it's too hot out to swim (one of my personal faves). And whoever the…

Continue ReadingBye Kids! Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass!

My Kids Would Have Never Made It Growing Up In The 80’s

I would love to throw any kid between the ages of two and eighteen right back into the nineteen eighties for a day. They would never make it. Not saying I wouldn't have a hard time myself. But to anyone who hasn't lived like that, it would be pure torture. I lost the remote control to the television one day and I'm not going to lie. I was pissed. I sat on the couch and sulked. I was so angry. What am I supposed to do now? Get off my…

Continue ReadingMy Kids Would Have Never Made It Growing Up In The 80’s

I Got a Pap and Mammogram Today. Most Action I’ve Seen in a While.

After watching both my parents die of cancer at young ages it's impossible not to live in fear. I sit here waiting for the day to come that I receive my very own diagnosis. Like it's not a matter of if, but when. It's impossible not to live this way. After seeing everything I watched my parents go through. I just feel like I'm doomed. And I just turned 40. I don't feel 40. But knowing my mom only lived to be 54 scares the shit out of me now.…

Continue ReadingI Got a Pap and Mammogram Today. Most Action I’ve Seen in a While.

The Things I Still Miss the Most About My Dad

I honestly cannot believe it's been 13 years. Where the hell does the time go. It was a lifetime ago. I really miss the way his left arm got really, really tan from hanging it out the car window to smoke all summer long. Yet his right arm was pasty white. It would have been no big deal if he wore long sleeve dress shirts. But he didn't. Only short sleeves and a tie for him. I also really miss report card days. Those were some crazy times in our…

Continue ReadingThe Things I Still Miss the Most About My Dad

The Only Thing I Learned From Giving Up Drinking: I’m No Quitter.

Nothing. I learned nothing. Not one freaking thing. Actually that's not entirely true. I did learn just how insanely disorganized my life really is. And that's going to take lots of alcohol to forget again. But I'm up for the challenge. I also learned I need alcohol to sleep. I need alcohol to deal with stress. I need alcohol just as much on sunny days as I do on rainy days. Maybe even more so. I also learned to feel. And if it's all the same to you, I just…

Continue ReadingThe Only Thing I Learned From Giving Up Drinking: I’m No Quitter.

What You Need To Know About Trying On the Dress Your Dead Grandma Will Be Buried In

Allow me to introduce my Aunt Batsy. She is my Dad's oldest sister. And it would be impossible to truly ever explain her to anyone. But I'm going to try. The other day I left my cell phone at her house. I didn't realize it until I got to the grocery store. So it was about an hour before I got back to her house to retrieve it. When I knocked on the door I heard her yell.  You left your phone! Your phone is here!  Yes, that's why I'm back. She…

Continue ReadingWhat You Need To Know About Trying On the Dress Your Dead Grandma Will Be Buried In

The Best Worst Comments I Have Received

When you write a blog and put all of your thoughts out there for the world to read, you know you’re setting yourself up for every crazy person to give their opinion. Everyone is smarter than you and knows better. But I really don’t get it. When I’m reading something that I don’t agree with or find dumb, I stop reading it and move on. I don’t take the time to tell the person why I think they are so wrong. But these people did. And I applaud them for…

Continue ReadingThe Best Worst Comments I Have Received