We Are Not Making Homemade Freaking Slime. Ever.

Oh. My. God. I. Can. Not. Enough with the DIY crap my kids keep begging me to do. What do I look like a freaking pinterest board? Mom can we make slime today? No. No we cannot make slime today. Well when can we? Never. But that might still be too soon. But all my friends are making slime. No they're not. I just talked to all of their moms and their moms hate slime making just as much as I do. You want to know when you and your…

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The Best Part About This Weather is Garage Drinking

Coming home from Florida was tough. It was hard to wake up and go to work when I was used to waking up and having a Bloody Mary by the pool. It's no way to live. The only good thing is that pretty much everyone who was in Florida with us is as depressed as we are. So everyone is trying to keep this party going. In their garages. On Friday night around 9:30 I got a text from Shelly. We're drinking in the garage come on down. Um, okay.…

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Growing Up In Violence Part Two: Fiona’s Story Continued

This is Fiona's story continued. Her mom was arrested and Fiona and her brothers are now left to fend for themselves once again. Read Part One of Fiona's story here. A few months later they had my mom's first trial. She was losing her case. She called us and told us that everything was going to be okay. I got mad and told her everything is not going to be okay. How could she be so stupid? It's my 8th grade year. She wasn't going to see me graduate. She…

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Growing Up In Violence Part Two: Fiona’s Story

I am a guidance counselor. And I've always wanted to tell some of my enlightening stories. Over the years I have taken notes about a lot of my students. And I've decided to start sharing some of them here. I work with a lot of kids who don't have ideal home lives. The one thing that always amazes me is that they always come to school. Even though there's no one at home making them. When I was a kid I would have stayed home every chance I got. Even…

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Growing Up In Violence Part One: Liam’s Story

I am a guidance counselor. And I've always wanted to tell some of my enlightening stories. Over the years I have taken notes about a lot of my students. And I've decided to start sharing some of them here. I work with a lot of kids who don't have ideal home lives. The one thing that always amazes me is that they always come to school. Even though there's no one at home making them. When I was a kid I would have stayed home every chance I got. Even…

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That Time I Sh!t My Pants in an Alabama Gas Station

Last week was the most glorious week of my entire life. It was spent on a beach in Florida with the greatest family and friends I could ever ask for. The weather was amazing. The drinks were cold. Everything was awesome. But like all good things, it came to an end. Way too fast. And it was time to drive all the way back to Chicago. Beau likes to do all the driving. Because he makes really good time. Even though it takes exactly fourteen hours. Every single time. We…

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A Few Reasons Why I’m a Freaking Amazing Mom

Now of course I couldn't possibly fit all of the reasons I'm so amazing into just one post. So this is just part one of a multi-part series. And I'm pretty sure it will be ongoing. Til the day I die. Bribery. If I want my kids to do something I simply bribe them. It can be something as simple as, go fill my wine and I'll count to see how long it takes you. Or something along the lines of, do your sister's homework and I'll give you ten…

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My Kids are Always Crying. For None Reason.

It never ceases to amaze me what my kids cry about. When they are actually hurting, I actually feel. And I could actually cry with them. If I had any tears left. But 99% of the time my kids cry, it's for none reason. This is something my kids love to say. She just hit me for none reason. He ate my gum for none reason. He peed on the floor for none reason. It's for no reason, you morons. But I don't ever correct them because I'm an awesome…

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Buying a Bathing Suit at Forty. Amazeballs.

Just a few short weeks from now I will be on Spring Break. In sunny Florida. With a group of my besties and their families. There are nine families all together and it is sure to be an amazing week. But the anticipation of this trip is painful. Not only is time moving at a snail's pace, but I also have to purchase a bathing suit. I'm used to having until June to reclaim my svelte beach bod. From all of winter's indiscretions. Plenty of time to recover from the…

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How Hard Can It Be To Aim a Penis?

I don't actually have a penis. But it seems to me that aiming one doesn't take all that much dexterity. Even a man should be able to manage it. Men have it made. They can pee anywhere. Standing up. On the side of the road. Into a bottle. Anywhere. Yet when it comes to the toilet they can't quite seem to make it to their destination. The males in my house have a really hard time with accuracy. Especially in the morning. I know this because as soon as I…

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I Have So Many Questions for April the Giraffe

Holy Mary Mother of God. Enough with the giraffe already. Whose idea was this to live stream this anyway? And why did it have to start weeks in advance? Jesus, I thought my pregnancies were long. But I have to give mega props to whoever came up with the idea. It really is marketing genius. And this is my absolute fave meme about the entire ordeal. Now that's funny. A giraffe faking a pregnancy to keep her man. I mean we've all done it. Or at least thought about it.…

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And Just Like That I Am Missing Richard Simmons

I wish I could go back. To about a week ago. When I had no clue that Richard Simmons was even missing. Before I ever heard of the podcast trying to find him. When my days consisted of teaching students and raising my own children. It was such a simpler time. Now my days are filled with my latest obsession. Right up there with who killed Jon Benet? And where in God's name is that Malaysian airplane? Now I spend my time listening to podcasts about Richard Simmons. And podcasts…

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