Buying a Bathing Suit at Forty. Amazeballs.

Just a few short weeks from now I will be on Spring Break. In sunny Florida. With a group of my besties and their families.

There are nine families all together and it is sure to be an amazing week. But the anticipation of this trip is painful. Not only is time moving at a snail’s pace, but I also have to purchase a bathing suit.

I’m used to having until June to reclaim my svelte beach bod. From all of winter’s indiscretions. Plenty of time to recover from the Seasonal Alcoholism that plagues me from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day each year.

So having to be all buff weeks sooner than I’m used to has not been fun. Even though I’m dieting and exercising like an anorexic child model, I’m still not quite “there” yet.

And my friends are in the same boat. Most of us are turning forty this year and the reality of that is settling in. Right around our midsections.

Mom Trunks
Mom Trunks

In an attempt to find the perfect bathing suit, here are a list of the adjectives I used to conduct my search for the perfect post forty swim attire. In no particular order.

Solid

High Waisted (sounds like an amazing Spring Break)

Shaping

Ultra High Waisted

Control Top

Control Bottom

Control Middle

Minimizer

High Rise

Caftan

Baggy

Miracle

And my new fave is “dresskini”. It’s so much more inspiring than moo moo. Dress makes the kini sound tini. Like a real bathing suit. The kind we wore before kids. When we were kids.

So basically I’m looking for more of a beach costume. Something to disguise the real me. It’s like Halloween. But in Florida. In April. Except for I’ll be drinking my sugar.

And why is it that only skinny people model swim wear? I want to know exactly what I’m going to look like in that bathing ensemble. I know what a model looks like in a bikini. And it’s no secret, Victoria, that I look nothing like them. Nothing. You wouldn’t even know we’re the same breed.

These stores need a forty-something gal with a mom bod. One that’s soft in the middle. One that looks like she’s wearing a child’s bathing suit that has the inner tube built in.

But there is no inner tube. That’s just her giant mom bod flotation device. That she made all on her own. After eating and drinking her feelings for the past ten years.

The name of this swim wear line could be called Regret. Or perhaps Shame. Or my fave, Bitter.

Something to think about, Victoria.

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