Bye Kids! Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass!

For moms and dads, this might be the most glorious time of year. Getting the kids out of the house. For hours on end. Not having to worry about where they are because you know. They’re at school.

They’re not going to be ringing the doorbell as I’m trying to write, yelling, let me back in! There will be no begging for food ten minutes after breakfast is served. There will be no one telling me it’s too hot out to swim (one of my personal faves).

And whoever the hell is outside blowing that whistle will surely be off to school next week, and I’ll have the time to find said whistle and destroy it. And the kid outside blowing the damn whistle has no clue how lucky he is to be going back to school.

I’m not even dreading making those first school  lunches. I’ll slap some pepperoni on some bread and send them on their merry freaking way. I’ll probably even have some fresh fruit to start the year off with a bang. But probably not.

I remember reading somewhere that the kids need to bring a drink to school everyday the first week. Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I just paid well over $150 so that my kids would get milk everyday.

Why not the first week? The cows did not know? They didn’t get the memo? Are they on strike this year?  I hope not. I hate strikes.

Get Outta Here!
Get Outta Here!

But whatever it takes. Juice boxes, bottles of water, dare I send a can of pop? I don’t care what you drink, just go. Take a freaking wine cooler and be on your freaking way.

Another thing I do not understand is the first day is a half day. Why? Why must you tease us like this? It should be full days. Just keep them. They will be fine. It’s like ripping off a band aid. Just do it. Get it over with.

One thing I am scared of is the actual getting up in the morning. I had to set my alarm the other day to go pick up my kids from Shelly’s. Shelly “babysat” them overnight. We really need to find a new word for what it is she actually does with them. It does involve sleeping and wine. But sometimes both of those are only done by Shelly.

Shelly had plans the next day, so I had to set my alarm early to go get the kids. All of this at the crack of eight-thirty AM. It’s been a long time since I’ve been up at that unGodly hour. I wasn’t even sure what was happening when I first heard the alarm. It was so foreign to me. It took me forever to come to and realize it was for me to wake the heck up.

There is just so much work involved in getting back in the swing of things. And it’s always so freaking hot. It’s been cold all summer long, but once school starts it’s going to be blazing out there.

But every single second of it is totally worth it. Because they will be gone. For seven glorious hours a day. Five days a week. Thanks be to Jesus.

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