Dear Children, Please Stop Flipping Your Flipping Water Bottles

If one more flipping kid flips one more flipping water bottle I’m going to flipping lose it.

I thought my kids were all becoming diabetics the way they’ve been constantly asking for water all summer long. But I finally caught on. They’re not drinking the flipping water. They’re flipping the flipping water. Bottles.

All summer long I’ve been listening to bottles flipping all over my damn house. It’s driving me insane. I make them go outside and I can still hear it on the deck. I can hear it on the driveway. I can hear it in my flipping sleep.

I bought two cases of water and left them on the front porch. Before I knew it, they were all gone. In two days. Every kid in the neighborhood was flipping them. All over the damn place. It’s my own damn fault not having a big enough home to store the water bottles in.

At the pool, on a 95 degree day, they wasted all the flipping water flipping the flipping bottles. I was irate. And so thirsty.

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I literally just walked around my house and snapped pics. In 30 seconds I found all of these.

And everything has to be videotaped and documented on YouTube. I was leery of letting my son get his own YouTube channel, so I told him he could use mine. He then proceeded to change my name to Beastmode for all the world to see. And it also changed my email name. So now all of my replies seem so aggressive.

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I was pissed at first, but now I sort of like it.

I know kids aren’t supposed to be on the internet, but I feel like if there’s a person out there who likes watching this, then this is my gift to them.

My absolute favorite is when the kids ask me to like their videos. Kids, let me explain what a dork is. Asking your mom to like something makes you one. A big one. Get friends. Even if they are only internet friends. And related.

If only we had the world wide web when we were kids. We could have videotaped ourselves choking each other and making each other pass out. Or there was the time we found some pills while playing with our aunt’s make-up and took them.

If your kid isn’t doing this yet (flipping water bottles, not taking pills and choking their friends into unconsciousness) you better thank the Dear Lord Baby Jesus. Now. I’ll wait.

Mom. Watch me. Watch me. Watch me.

Watch me flip this water bottle over and over. And then when you’re finished watching me live, I’ll send you the video of me doing it. And I’ll use up all of the internal storage on your phone by doing so.

It’s like the ice bucket challenge except absolutely no one is benefiting from it. Not one. If anything, it’s the exact opposite. It’s hurting people. Namely me.

I had to learn more. Who came up with this obnoxious game? I needed someone to blame.

With my best investigative skills, I did some detective work. Much like the time I sat in the Target bathroom looking for all of the transgenders. But not nearly as intensive.

I turned to google and I found the culprit. Mike Senatore. All the way from North flipping Carolina.

Watch his awesome video here. 

Watching this video made me happy. He did water bottle flipping as his talent. His parents must be proud. I would be if he were my kid.

This guy is amazeballs. After watching this video I want to start flipping water bottles. He is a senior in high school and this is his talent. He’s really going to enjoy college.

He could have missed and my kids would have never heard of water bottle flipping. But I’m glad he made it. He’s showing talentless kids everywhere that there is something out there you are good at. You just have to find it.

“Whatever you are be the best.”

Check me out on WGN Morning News!

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