For Realz. Who the Hell Killed JonBenet???

For the love of God will someone please once and for all solve this case. My biggest fear is now dying without knowing with all certainty who killed JonBenet. Just like Patsy Ramsey.

For the last twenty years I was convinced someone came into that house and killed JonBenet. I mean rich white people don’t kill their kids on Christmas. If they don’t like their kids they send them to boarding school. And I never liked the idea of the nine year-old brother doing it either.

But then I watched some serious television this week. And all that changed.

I have a nine year-old son and a six year-old daughter at the moment. I think if my son whacked my daughter with a flashlight and killed her, my first move would be to call an ambulance. Even if I thought she was dead. I think I’d have hope that the paramedics could bring her back to life.

I can’t imagine thinking, wait you just killed your sister? Get me a pad of paper and a sharpie. I’ve got a ransom letter to write before we call for help. Son, go to your room and never speak of this again. Unless it’s to Dr. Phil 20 years from now. Mommy will take care of the rest.

And during the CBS special The Case of: JonBenet, there were several strange characters introduced to the saga. First of all Judith Phillips. Patsy Ramsey’s photographer “friend” who is still pissed that Patsy excluded her from her inner circle after her daughter was brutally murdered in her own home.

This lady is angry. You don’t cross Judith and think she’s going to walk away quietly, Patsy. She’s going to wait til you’re dead and then be interviewed on a prime time television show and talk some major smack about you. Take that.


The other guy that really stuck out to me was the poor SOB who volunteered to be tasered not once, but twice, on national television. This would be my luck. I finally get my big break and then have to tell my family and friends that I’m being tasered. Might as well be the “before” pic for a national weight loss chain.

A lot of people had a problem with Patsy Ramsey being in the same clothes the next morning. Um, in these parts we call that a Tuesday. This was the day after Christmas. You’d be lucky if I had clothes on at all. So she had a few too many eggnogs. It happens.

The “experts” also had a problem with Patsy Ramsey calling her friends right after she called 911. That’s the problem with really smart people. Of course I would call 911. And then of course I’d call my family and friends to come over. That’s what you do in a time of crisis. If you don’t call your friends it’s because you don’t have any.

Another thing that bothered me. All of the highly educated specialists who kept using the term “panties”. This made me physically ill. Especially with all the foreign accents. This is America. You can just say underpants. Please.

The thing that I really find most suspicious about this whole mystery is the pineapple. A hellova lot of time was spent on that damn bowl of pineapple. Where do you even get pineapple in the winter in Colorado? They sure did talk about it a lot. We don’t keep fresh pineapple on hand around the holidays. Or ever. And that pineapple didn’t come out of the can in perfect shaped rings.

I have to say I am extremely disappointed at the state of the Ramsey’s house at the time of the murder. I want to picture my rich people living in Colorado, who own their own planes, to have clean houses. Their house looks too much like my house. And that reminded me that these were real people who had a real six-year-old die. Devastating.

But really, still no excuse to have such a messy basement.

So basically what I have learned is that Burke is definitely a wild card. He’s now threatening to sue CBS. My guess is once John Ramsey is dead, Burke let’s the cat out of the bag. One way or another.

Check me out on WGN Morning News!

Leave a Reply