For The Love of God I Need This School Year to End

The best part about being a teacher is getting your summers off. Hands down. And if any teacher tells you any different s/he is a big fat liar.

I teach because I love seeing children learn. No.

I teach because I feel I’m really making a difference in these kids lives. Nay.

I teach because it’s so rewarding. Never.

I teach because of the amount of respect I get in and out of the classroom. No nay never no more.

We all teach to get our freaking summers off. Period. End of story. Class dismissed.

It’s the reason we all joined this profession. Ten glorious weeks off to bask in the warm glow of the sun. To sip margaritas on the beach. To feel human again.

Toes in the water. Ass in the sand. Cold beer in my hand. Summer. Reason numero uno.

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But before we get to all of that awesomeness, we need to get through the next nine days. And it’s not going to be easy. It never is.

There’s not enough patience or booze in the world to get me through to the end of this freaking marathon. My drink of choice every night is Sauvignon Blanc. My drink of choice during the day is Pepto Bismol. My students will leave here knowing how to spell both.

Lay people think, oh only nine more days. That’s easy. But it’s not. It’s hard. Really, really hard. Lay people are dumb.

And it’s painful. Really, really painful. More painful than riding a bicycle after giving birth. You’ll just have to trust me on that one.

If one more kid walks up to me and asks if they still have a chance to pull their grade up I’m going to cry. After I finish dying laughing in their face.

Grades are more done than I am.  But I applaud you being able to ask me with a straight face. You might have a career in acting in your future. Or a serial killer. Either way, best of luck.

Flip another freaking water bottle. I freaking dare you. Do it. Flip it. And I’m going to jump out that freaking window that you keep opening even though the air conditioning is on.

We will be watching some of the longest movies ever made. They include but are not limited to- The Sound of Music, Gone With The Wind, Schindler’s List, The Godfather Part II, and Shag. And chances are you’ll learn more from these movies than you ever could from me.

It’s been a long year. And I’m tired. I’m not one to ask for things but I need your prayers. Every other school district in the world is out for summer. And I have nine more days.

Oh and P.S. I’m going to take a freaking fidget spinner and shove it right up someone’s ass.

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