HGTV’s Tiny Houses: Size Does Matter

I caught an episode of HGTV’s tiny houses show the other night. In between watching Ryan Lochte getting attacked for real and JonBenet specials. And holy crap. I thought my house was small.

If I ever got to the point where I wanted to get rid of Beau, I wouldn’t hire a hit man. I would just move us into one of those obnoxious tiny houses. That would do it. And there would be no blood on my hands.

Sixty-four square feet. Are you effing kidding me? Measurements aren’t my thing. But I’m pretty sure Kim Kardashian’s ass is bigger.

And I love the wish lists people on the show have. Open floor plan. Lots of light. Full size kitchen. Projector screen. Lots of closet space.

Here’s a fun fact I learned. The average movie theater screen is actually three times the size of a tiny home. Kind of makes me never want to go to a theater again.

You want a toilet/kitchen/shower/garbage disposal/washer-dryer/bed/closet. All in one room. Let’s be real. You want to live in an port-o-potty.

I have sweaters that are bigger than this.
I have sweaters that are bigger than this.

The guy on one particular episode wanted shades on the windows to play video games. Run, lady. Tie your tiny house to your tiny waist and run the hell out of there.

A grown ass man playing video games in a tiny house. Is this what you want for your life? Is this the way your parents raised you? We both know you can do better. No need to settle for tiny man and his tiny house. Size does matter.

I get annoyed when Beau is sitting across the room making a trade on his phone for his fantasy life team. I can’t imagine him playing video games on top of me. With the shades drawn and my one chance at natural light gone.

That tiny kitchen better come with full sized knives. Because I will butcher him to death. At least the clean up would be easy. Just roll that tiny house on down to the tiny creek. Like it never happened.

Instead of the shows where people are thinking about buying a tiny house, there should be a reality show of what happens after the people move in. Throw a camera crew into that mess. I bet no one makes it out of that alive.

Now that’s a show I’d watch. You can have your tiny homes. I’ll take the McMansion. And super size me while you’re at it.

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