I have had a hard time looking at my feet lately. I only like pretty things. That’s why I spend so much time looking in the mirror.
It’s been a long winter. And this has been the most amazing February weather. So it just felt right to put on a pair of flip flops and go to the nail salon.
So that’s exactly what I did. And I highly recommend you do too. But be sure and bring my Aunt Batsy along to fully appreciate the experience.
Let’s begin with the compliment she got on her coat. It’s her favorite ostrich feather coat that she flaunts like the fashion icon that she is.
Someone innocently says, I like your coat. And without missing a beat Aunt Batsy goes on a tangent of how it’s an old family heirloom from Ireland and how it means the world to her. Cue the fake tears.
Pretty sure she really bought it at Carson’s.
A woman tells her that it’s the type of coat that will never go out of style. Aunt Batsy quips, “I hope I never go out of style!”. And then laughs way louder than necessary.
She takes her seat in the pedicure chair. Where three women work on her at one time. One doing feet. One doing nails. And one waxing.
There are people waiting for their turn. But none of these women flinch. They are all hard at work on Batsy. Their fave customer. Like the queen that she is.
She proceeds to tell these women over and over, “Now don’t make me too beautiful!”.
She strikes up a conversation with another woman. She tells the woman how beautiful her skin is. The woman confesses she’s forty-seven years old. Batsy replies with a straight face, “That’s nothing, I’m sixty- two.”
I spit the water right out of my mouth.
She then asks what skin care line the woman uses. And then proceeds to yell across the salon, “Eileen, did you hear that? Write that down. Aveda. She uses Aveda.”
Got it. Aveda.
Next she decides to tell the salon owner how much she loves the color of the salon. It’s a bright teal. She goes on and on how she’s going to paint her living room this color. And the scary part is, she might.
Then she starts to tell anyone who will listen that she’s in need of a new beauty parlor. She does this every time we’re here. Yet never tries a new place.
She likes one lady’s hair so she decides to try her beauty palor. The one on 103rd. “Eileen. It’s on 103rd. You know the place? Write that down.”
Got it. Beauty parlor. 103rd street.
Then she starts asking anyone who will listen if they have ever met my husband. No one has. Because we’re at the freaking nail salon.
She starts yelling what a nice guy Beau is. Oh he’s just so nice. You’ve never met a nicer guy. You’d love him. And he’s smart. Boy is he smart. He’s an engineer. (He is not.)
After while, a bridal party comes in. They’re all getting ready for the big day this weekend. This is the point where Aunt Batsy really steps it up a notch.
She starts telling everyone that she’s also having her bridal party come to the nail salon before her wedding. There are just too many questions for me to follow at this point.
But she answers them all. Without missing a beat. Way more convincingly than should ever be humanly possible.
Like only she can.