I Really Wish There Was No Such Thing As Sexy Costumes for Little Girls

I am a thirty-nine-year-old mother of four. I have no desire to dress up as Little Red Riding Whore for Halloween. Only because I’ve worn that the last few years. It’s time to find something fresh. With a side of slutty.

There is something awkward about dressing as a naughty nurse and feeding your baby a bottle. Or pulling the wagon through the neighborhood as a sexy cop with a billy club and matching handcuffs. But just because it’s not for me, doesn’t mean I don’t thoroughly enjoy checking out the latest slutty mommy costumes. Major props to some of the most promiscuous costumes I’ve ever seen.

It’s actually hard to find a not-so-slutty costume off the shelf. Beau and I had a Halloween party to go to a few years ago. The only thing I found worth buying was a plug and socket costume. But even that had a sexual innuendo. You see, the “male” end went into the appropriately placed “female” end. Get it?

Come on over and plug that into me.
Come on over and plug that into me.

I have been researching costumes for a few weeks now. Turns out ANYTHING can be made sexy. Even a bottle of tabasco sauce. Now that’s hot.

I'm a whore disguised as a bottle of tabasco.
Hey look at me! I’m a whore disguised as a bottle of tabasco.

I also came across a sexy Bomber Girl costume. The nipple propellers keep it classy. And it’s patriotic. It would probably spark some interest about World War II. So it might also be something a history teacher would be interested in.

This would make a game of "Tune in Tokyo" very interesting.
Try playing “Tune in Tokyo” in this bad boy.

I usually like to dress as something my kids will think is cool. They are still young enough to think things I do are cool. This year I’m going to dress as my oldest son. He and his friends go to school each day in their uniforms, but add their own flare by wearing knee-high basketball socks. It makes me laugh. They all march down the street on the way to school looking identical, but with different versions of these socks.

It amazes how much I look like I did when I was in 2nd grade.
It’s amazing how much I look like I did when I was in 2nd grade. Once a man, always a man.

We are also having a party at night with all of the neighbors. So I was looking into what I can dress as for that. I was thinking something from star wars. My kids will recognize that and I’ll be a big hit. So I searched on.

Even R2 freaking D2 has a sexy costume. Although there would be nothing sexy about me in this costume. And I live in Chicago. I’d freeze my D2 off in this number. This one also comes in bathing suit form. By October 31st, my bikini region is more of a trick than a treat. But it would be really, really scary.

This gives Princess Leia a run for her money.
This gives Princess Leia a run for her money.

Finding an age appropriate costume for myself is hard enough. After all, I’m a grown ass woman. If I want to dress like a slutty action figure, so be it. It would give the other mom’s something to talk about. Not that I’m going to. But if that’s what I actually looked like in a skin-tight R2D2 spandex dress, I might feel differently.

Now this is one of my faves. For when you really want to sex it up a notch. With a friend. This sexy Mario and Luigi costume screams, take me seriously. I’m a mature authority figure who likes to play games. It says I’m a mom who knows what the kids like.

This would be perfect for Shelly and me.
This would be perfect for me and Shelly.

While searching for costumes for my kids, I came across some extremely girly outfits for actual girls. So I searched a little farther. The fact that something actually pops up, when I type “sexy costumes for little girls” on Google, is pretty damn disturbing.

Here’s a convo that I have never had with my six-year-old daughter. What’s that sweet pea? You want to be a french maid for Halloween? So cute! Every six-year-old should have a sexy french maid outfit. To hell with those prudes Elsa and Anna.

Daddy's little gal.
Daddy’s little gal.

Thankfully my daughter wants to be a cheerleader. Not a sexy Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Just a cheerleader. I just don’t understand why they even make a sexy version of Wonder Woman for toddlers. Why even put that out there? Besides, I have a strict rule, no wearing thigh-high boots until you’re at least seven.

I have seen cuter versions.
I have seen cuter versions.

My daughters are already growing up too fast. I just want them to be normal and save all of their inappropriateness for their college years. And I went to college for eight years. I just really wanted to make sure I got it all out of my system.

So this Halloween, I’ll do like always. I’ll walk up and down my block watching my darlings trick or treat. With my “I’m Here for the Boos” wine glass. I will enjoy the excitement in their eyes and the candy in their tummies, while I still can. Because before you know it, they’ll be asking to borrow my Little Red Riding Whore costume. Now that’s scary.

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