Today was the first day of school for my kids. We’ve had an amazing summer. But it’s time. Just time.
Time to start fresh. Time to get back in the swing of things. Time to get on living our lives.
I love the first day of school. Everyone is up and at ‘em. Everyone is excited.
Everyone is so clean. Shining like the top of the Chrysler Building. And everyone is so full of hope. Maybe a little too much hope.
Like me, for instance. I’m bringing my freaking “A” game this year. I am going to be on top of this shizzle. All of it.
As part of my master plan, I nabbed an actual school calendar. Actually I nabbed two. Because they were free. And I have this inability to walk past anything free and not abuse my privileges. Guilty as charged.
So I have one for home. One for office. Genius. Now all I have to do is remember where I put them.
Cause I’m going to get these kids to practices. On the right day. I’m going to show up to games. For the correct sports. At the correct venue. At the correct time. For the correct child. Go team!
It’s gone be off da hook the way I’m going to mom so hard this year. Watch out people. Here I come. Roar.
I’ll be the snackiest snack mom. I’ll be the perkiest PTA participant. I’ll bake the hell out of some baked goods for the baking sales. I got this. It’s going to be my year.
Now sitting here I’m wondering what the first call home from the school will be about? I really think this might be the year I don’t get a call home on the first day. Because I turned my phone off. Boom.
And while we’re on the subject, what is with the half days? I mean for the love of God. What is the point? No one likes a tease. Just ask every guy I made out with in college.
Three hours and forty minutes? That’s not even enough time to get properly brunch drunk. I mean it’s barely enough time to go to the school basement and fill my pockets with the free donuts before they’re spitting those kids right back out those damn school doors at me.
And really, donuts? My kids eat donuts. And ketchup. I do not.
And that is literally the last thing my ass needs. After a summer of parading around like a drunken pirate. The least they could do is offer me a healthy alternative. So I can at least keep up appearances in public. It’s called Choosing Kind. You should try it.
Mom’s don’t need donuts on the first day of school. Mom’s need edibles on the first day of school. Just add it to the freaking tuition already.
And then, when I’m all finished being so GD amazing at every stinkin’ mom thing I do, I’ll sit in my car and cry. Like all good moms do. Nothing like a good freaking car cry to start the year. Ammirite?
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