If I Was Rich I’d Never Get a DUI

I’m writing this in light of Tiger Wood’s DUI arrest this weekend. I understand that he was not under the influence of alcohol, but I started writing this before that was made public. And there are plenty other rich and famous people that get DUIs and I just don’t understand why.

I heart Oprah.
I heart Oprah.

Let’s just all thank the dear Lord that I am not rich. Because if I was, I would be the hugest drunk. The only reason I’m not drunk 24/7 now is because I have to drive places. And most of the time, my kids are in the car. Or your kids.

If I was rich, I’d have a driver. And his name would be Dan Mann. And then all the mundane things in my life would be a lot more fun. Because I’d be happy.

Going to the grocery store. Not a prob. After a couple of glasses of wine. My kids would love me for all the drunken purchases I would make.

Thanks to my driver.

Parent/Teacher conferences. Bring it. I would be so witty and fun. After a little bubbly. Because that’s classy. Those kids would all have A’s.

Thanks to my driver.

Baseball games would be an actual ball. Three games in one night? No problemo. About 3 cans of wine for each and it would be rather enjoyable.

Thanks to my driver.

Going to the pool. I could get druncle as a skunkle and pass out on a lounge chair. Not exactly something new. But then I could wake up and finish my box of wine.

Thanks to my driver.

Going to work. Teaching while under the influence would be an amazing experience for all involved. Those kids would learn things that books could never teach them.

Thanks to my driver.

Why don’t the rich and famous just have someone to drive them around? All. The. Time. I get it.

You don’t always plan on drinking. I mean I do always plan on drinking. But I don’t always plan on getting completely sh!tfaced.

Sometimes drunk just happens.

One day you run to Dunking Donuts in the AM for a cup a Joe and next thing you know it’s dark out and you’re MC Hammered in your neighbor’s garage.

Sometimes you take your kids to dance class and pop into the tavern next door to pass the time. And the next thing you know it’s Tuesday and you’re inebriated and all out of shame.

Maybe you go to visit your dead parents at the cemetery. And you just plan on doing one little shot to toast them. But before you know it you’re wishing you could trade places with them.

Been there. Done that. Bought that t-shirt. (My mom thought that saying was hilarious.)

That’s why if I ever strike it rich, I’m getting a driver. Until then I’ll be mothering slightly buzzed. From the safety of my Uber.

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