If You Want to Babysit Our Kids, You’ll Have to Sign This Contract

When we had four babies at home it was imperative that we have a mature, responsible babysitter. Someone who could formula feed. And change multiple diapers. And put kids in cribs. And microwave hot dogs.

But now that these kids are practically grown, the only reason we need a babysitter is so that they don’t kill each other.

So without further ado….

Dear Future Sitter,

If you’d like the honor of babysitting for us there are a couple of ground rules we need to cover.

-Our oldest child is in 4th grade. So if you’re in 5th or above, you qualify.

-You need to have a pulse.

-Liking burritos is a must. We will text you at 3am and ask you what you’d like on yours. Don’t be rude. And don’t worry, we will not deduct from your pay.

-You must be comfortable with whomever drives me home, driving you home. It will be awkward, but better than me driving you. Trust me.

-In the event it’s an Uber, we will pay for your ride. One way of course.

-The drunker we are, the more we pay. Unless we are so drunk that we forget to pay. It’s a real crapshoot.

-Do Not. I repeat. Do Not let our kids call or text or Facetime us. I don’t care what they tell you. You are being paid to keep them away from us for the night.

-There’s no need to discuss the state of affairs that is our bathroom with anyone outside of this home. I suggest peeing at your house before you come over.

-Only call us if the house is on fire. Better yet, don’t even call us then. Chances are we won’t answer.  And we’ll probably figure it out when we get home. And our house isn’t there.


-If anyone asks, you’re 14.

-Absolutely no DIY projects. Ever. If I don’t have to do them, neither should you.

-When I fall coming in the door. Look the other way. Like it never happened. Because if I don’t remember it in the morning, it didn’t happen.

-You must be CPR certified. Because we are not. And someone should be.

Please sign below if you agree with the above terms and conditions. And you will be hired. Immediately. With no background check or references needed. We’ll take your word.


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