Just Say No. To Being Snack Mom.

I did not start writing this blog with the intention of changing the world. I just wanted to make people laugh. But it has turned into so much more. I feel as though through my words, I can really change the way people think. One small mind at a time.

I’m thick-skinned. I can handle the backlash. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes. Because this is long overdue. It’s the year 2017 and it’s time. It’s just freaking time. Time to put an end to being Snack Mom.

No more snacks. No one likes buying the snacks. No one likes seeing their kids binge on the snacks. A mouth full of Oreo cookies at 9:30 on a Saturday morning? Grody. To. The. Max.

No one is going to starve without the snacks. That’s a fact. Isn’t there a big enough problem with childhood obesity in this country as it is? Do we really need to reward our little athletes with food for each and every game? A game that will inevitably end in a tie. Because everyone’s a winner. And everyone deserves to be rewarded gluttonously.

No one wants to spend the money on the snacks. No one likes to wake up early on a chilly Saturday morning to the realization that they are the Snack Mom and need to run to the store to buy the damn snacks. No one. Not one.

And being Snack Mom comes with a lot of pressure. How will my snacks add up? I pay full price for these name brand snacks. I buy my own kids the crappy generic snacks for their lunches. But when I’m snack mom, I buy the good stuff just to show off. It’s a status symbol. You’re only as good as your snacks.

And snacks don’t discriminate. No sport is safe. A snack for baseball. A snack for soccer. A snack for dancing. A snack for gymnastics. And God forbid you have more than one kid on one team. You might as well just bring the entire team to Red Lobster. It would be cheaper.

And don’t forget the drinks. Those kids who didn’t even break a sweat out there are going to need something to wash the Oreos down with. And again, I spare no expense. I buy the good juice boxes. The ones with real fruit juice and no artificial additives. Because I want people to like me.

Then there’s the allergies. You better know every kid on that team and their medical history. You better read those labels. If anyone needs to be hospitalized after ingesting one of your snacks, you got a problem. You’ll never snack in this town again. You’ll end up buying ten different snacks to accommodate everyone’s dietary needs. Allergies. Gluten. Red dye number 40. I’m not even sure what that is. That kid is getting water. With a side of water. Just to be safe.

What we really should bring to every game is Tylenol. And fountain drinks. And McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches. For all the parents who have raging hangovers from the previous night’s transgressions. That might actually make Saturday morning soccer bearable.

I’m pretty sure kids will survive without the snacks. I think they can ride that bench without refreshments. I think they can make it from breakfast to lunch without a pack of cookies and sugary water. But what do I know. I’m just a mom. A freaking snack mom.

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