Sometimes I wish it were possible to send out an Amber Alert for Oprah Winfrey. I just want her to come back to me. Where is she and what does she do everyday, now that she’s not spending her time with me? Does she think about me as much as I think about her? There are just so many unanswered questions since May 25, 2011. It was only three years ago, but in some ways it seems like a lifetime.
I still remember where I was when I heard the horrific news. On my couch, in my pajamas, watching television. Back then, it was Oprah at nine and The View at ten. Every morning was like winning the lottery with that line up. Weekends were hard, I’m not going to lie. I understand why Nicole Kidman named her kid Sunday. It’s the loneliest day of the week without regularly scheduled programming. Ironically enough, I heard from Barbara Walters that Oprah was leaving her hit TV show. I wasn’t prepared for that blow. I don’t remember much after that. But the doctors said that’s what happens when your body goes into shock.
I first started watching Oprah religiously in college because she was on at three in the afternoon. Perfect for a college student. I would wake up and watch my bestie everyday. I loved it. She’s been there with me through it all. She got fat, I got fat. She had an aha moment, so did I. She was the one constant in my life. Even when my parents abandoned me, I had Oprah. There was a time when I thought she might actually adopt me, but my letters must have been lost in the mail.
And her favorite things. Oh how her favorite things were my favorite things. I actually bought the brownie/lasagna pan for crisp edge lovers and I don’t even like the edge pieces, I like the gooey middle pieces. But if Oprah told me to do something, I did it. I miss that order in my life. I always thought it would be fun to invite all of my friends over and have a Favorite Things party. But then I realized there would only be one thing on my list, Oprah.
And if you think for one second that I have ever texted while operating a motorized vehicle after I signed my Oprah pledge, you’d be mistaken. Not me. Oprah no likey the texting while driving. Me no likey the texting while driving. Another time, I can remember how I read a book Oprah suggested only to find out the author sat right there on Oprah’s couch and lied, to her face, about it all being true. I felt so betrayed. But Oprah handled it like only Oprah could. I wish I had Oprah’s balls.
My friend Gidget got to meet Oprah once. And by meet, I mean yell at her from a distance. Gidget worked at the courthouse and Oprah was walking in and Gidget yelled, “Hey Oprah, you’re not as big as you look on tv”. Oprah yelled back something about the camera really does makes you fatter. I never knew that was for real. But if Oprah said it you knew it was. From her lips to my ears. Every moment with this woman truly is a teachable moment.
It’s been three years. I think it’s time for a comeback. Her new network is cool and all, but I miss Oprah. Just Oprah being Oprah. Oprah if you’re out there and you can hear this, just know, I’m not mad. I just want you home. Please come home.
This is the word of our Oprah. Thanks be to God.
New network not the same.