My Husband Had His Labia Repaired. Bless His Heart.

Beau hurt his shoulder and had to go under the knife. The first thing I had to do was remember the correct pronunciation of his injury. When I would tell people he was having his labia reconstructed, they would gasp in horror. Turns out Beau doesn’t have a labia, but he does have a labrum. And it was in need of repairing.

No labia here.
No labia here.

I spent weeks preparing myself for the worst. When Beau has the sniffles, it’s hard to deal with. Let alone full on surgery. He actually told me about a study he read that said when men get sick it’s so much worse for them than when a woman gets sick. Because of estrogen or some business. Eye roll.

So after he told me that story I felt he was preparing me for what he would be like post-surgery. So I had a bracelet made for him to wear at the hospital that read, “I’m Not A Fall Risk, I’m a Giant P*ssy”. Just wanted the nurses to be aware of his condition just in case it’s not in his medical history.

Beau is a lefty and he was having surgery on his left arm. He was sure to inform me of all of the things he was going to need assistance with. I informed him that he could “assist” himself with his right hand. Double eye roll.

The days leading up to surgery were a little nerve wracking. I was surprised by this. I was worried. I’m not that big of a worrier, but I guess now that we’re older and have four kids, things are different. I didn’t want anything to happen to Beau.

Two of my kids have had surgery. I wasn’t worried at all at the time. In my defense, the first one was emergency surgery and it all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to worry. If your kids ever have to have surgery, I suggest doing it that way.

But now that we’re approaching forty, things are different. I can’t have anything happen to Beau. I need him here with me. He’s the one who keeps me grounded. He puts up with me. I would be lost without him. So thinking about any complications that could happen was scary.

However, I did take it upon myself to remind Beau of that one time I gave birth four times in three and a half years. I know recovery. With other babies at home. I also reminded him of how he and Shelly ate a pizza in front of me while I was in labor and starving. I vowed that no matter how hungry I got I would not do that to him. It’s just too cruel.

Once we were at the hospital, all of my fears went right out the window. The nurses he had were amazeballs and I knew they were going to take awesome care of him. They kept us laughing the entire time.

Seeing as though this was an emotional experience for me, you’re probably wondering if I cried. And the answer is yes. I did cry. When they put that valium in his IV and I saw how marvelous he felt, it was too much to bear. I cried big fat jealous tears. I have never felt so bitter in my entire life.

After seeing him all doped up, I asked the nurse if I could get his scripts for the pain meds now so I could fill them while he was in surgery. Because I’m a dutiful wife. And that’s what we do. I meant it when I vowed to take care of him in sickness and in health.

I said I just didn’t want to see Beau in any pain. I want to have those pills right here in my hands so he doesn’t have to feel one ounce of discomfort. Bless his heart.

She informed me that the nerve block would last eighteen hours. I’d have plenty of time to fill them later. As she rolled her eyes at me. So close.

So I had to sit there. Sober. Well, kind of sober. As they rolled Beau away.

The way this works is, when they take him to surgery, they leave me in this suite all by myself. Alone. With a Lazy Boy, internet access, and a remote control all to myself. Ah-May-Zeen!

Suddenly this has turned into a vacation. At first I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. It was so quiet. But I got over it, really quick.

I turned the tv off and dimmed the lights. And just sat there. Not to sound ungrateful, but the pain pills would have really made the experience.

Before I knew it, they were rolling Beau back in, even higher than he was before. Good thing I took plenty of videos. And we were on our way home.

Welcome home!
Welcome home!

When we got home there was a bottle of wine waiting for me on the porch. Now how someone knew I liked wine, I’ll never know. But it had a cute little note written on it. I had the bottle open before Beau even sat down. I always say, a mom needs to take care of herself first before she can take care of anyone else.

I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this if it wasn’t for Beau’s friends. They didn’t come over or make us dinner or bring us drinks or offer to help with the kids. No, they just barraged me with text messages suggesting all the things I could do to make Beau feel better. I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.

Good friends are hard to find,
Good friends are hard to find,

Beau’s recovery is going well. Much better than we anticipated. I’m sure it has to do with the unbelievable care he’s been getting at home. I really don’t mind cutting his meat and putting his contacts in his eyes every morning. But I do look forward to the day when he can take down a burrito again. You really need two hands for that.

***Thank you to the wonderful nursing staff at Advocate Christ Medical Center Outpatient Pavilion. We had a great time.

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