My Kids Are Ruining My Entire Fitbit Experience

My kids got Fitbits for Christmas. At first I didn’t like the idea because like I told them, Santa doesn’t bring eating disorders. But then Santa sat me down and told me not to deprive my children because of the demons in my past.

Before the kids got theirs, I was averaging 12,000 steps a day on mine. I don’t mean to brag, but that’s a full 2,000 steps a day more than the American Heart Association suggests.

Last night the kids were trying to get even more steps so I let them go on the treadmill. I, myself, still needed 400 steps to reach my daily goal. So when my little one asked if he could wear mine, I let him. And I sat my ass right back down on the couch in my new Gym and Tonic shirt and had a glass of wine.

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I couldn’t have the poor little guy feeling left out when his older brother and sisters were stepping their way to Anorexicville. Even if he is already underweight and we can count his ribs in the front and back of his body. Through a t-shirt.

There’s nothing worse than bringing your kid to the doctor and finding out he’s lost weight. When he’s already in the 1st percentile for weight. Especially when I have clearly gained weight. Suddenly I feel foolish standing there chugging my venti-whole milk- mocha-cookie crumble-frappuccino- extra whip. Wiping the sweat from my brow.

But he’s in the 95th percentile for height. So I’m obvi doing something right. Can I get some props for that please, Dr. Judgemental? And he eats like a horse. When we remember to feed him.

It really is absolutely appalling how many steps these little people get. I mean I have noticed they never stop freaking moving. Ever. But 15,000 steps? When we never even left the house. Jaysus.

My son had basketball practice and came home with over 10,000 steps. That’s like a days worth of steps. In one damn hour.

Mom, how many steps do you have? Mom, how many, how many, how many? I bet I have more mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

So I have started waking them up in the morning after I get off the treadmill and asking them how many steps they have. Zero? Oh really? Because I have 3,400. Boom. All while you slept. Take that you lazy asses.

But by the time the day ends they all have me beat. Again. And I’m the only one who’s tired.

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