Oh. My. God. Forty-One-Year-Old Gymnast Oksana Chusovotina. I Can. Not.

I love the Olympics. I always have. Ever since I was a little kid doing back bends all over the house in my Mary Lou Retton leotard. There is something just so exciting about it.

When I was a kid I didn’t think anything of how amazing these athletes were. I just thought it was awesome to watch. Then as I got older I realized what a humongous accomplishment it was to make it to the Olympics, let alone win a medal.

Now that I’m 39 it’s easy for me to say, these kids are so young and in such great shape. That could have been me at one point. Until I was introduced to Oksana Chusovotina.

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What. The. F@#$.

Forty-one. Forty-one freaking years old. And she’s competing at the Olympics. I didn’t even have the energy to shower yesterday let alone qualify for an Olympic event. And I’m two years younger.

But maybe two years from now I will. I’m not trying to make excuses, but her kid is seventeen. Older than some of the kids she’s competing against. My kids are much younger and needier. Maybe if I only had one seventeen-year-old, Olympic gold would be in my realm of attainability. I mean probably.

Again, in my defense, I bet Oksana didn’t drink for twelve hours in two different parks on Saturday. An Olympic event in its own right. We all have our strengths.

I have so many questions for Oksana. So many.

Number One- Bladder Control

How in God’s name are you not pissing yourself out there? You’re forty-one! Once at the gym I tried jump roping. I had to leave. With a mop escort to the door.

I laugh and I pee. I cough and I pee. I walk and I pee. I have zero bladder control. And I’m talking when I’m just sitting on the couch. Not jumping around a gymnasium like I’m on a three day coke bender.

How do you defy gravity like you do and stick a dry landing? I saw you vault and I peed. How do you hit the ground with such force and not soil yourself?

Number Two- What’s Your Secret?

Five foot, 97 lbs. Gurrrrl please. I haven’t been that size since the 80’s.

How in God’s name are you in such amazing shape? I mean I get that working out really works. And you probably don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. But there are a lot of people who do all of that and still aren’t as capable as you.

Ah. Maze. Een.

Number Three- Weren’t you old last time? 

Why don’t I remember hearing about you during the last Olympics? Because you were only 37? Wasn’t that big news four years ago? Why wasn’t anyone talking about it then?

The US Gymnasts team captain Aly Raisman is 22-years-old and her nickname is Grandma. I can only imagine what your nickname is. You competed in your first Olympics two years before she was even born.

On a side note, I’m kicking myself for not naming one of my daughters, Oksana. It seems to be a fast track to Olympic stardom. Much like naming your daughter Diamond will ensure her a life in exotic dancing.

I can’t help but feel like a fat loser watching you compete. You did inspire me to do a cartwheel. The swelling should go down any day now.

I will be watching. Sitting here on my couch watching you compete with my heating pad. If you win, I will be jumping up and down like a damn fool with warm urine running down my soft thighs. Like the normal middle-aged woman that I am.

Check me out on WGN Morning News!

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