Ryan Lochte: If You’re Going to Lie Might As Well Make Yourself the Hero

When I was seventeen I went on Spring Break to Mexico with all of my friends. I still wonder what the hell my parents were thinking. Letting me go to a foreign country. Where there was no drinking age. They must have just really, really trusted the responsible young lady I had become. Cough.

There are so many things that I’d love to be able to ask my parents. But that would really be at the top of my list. I know it was a simpler time. But ohmygod! Anything can happen in a foreign country. And I was seventeen!

Take the US swimmers for instance. They are freaking Olympic gold medalists and they can’t even stay out of trouble. And you can’t play with law enforcement in a foreign country.

When the first reports came out that they originally lied about being robbed because they didn’t want to get in trouble… Ding! Ding! Ding! Red flag numero uno. You don’t get in trouble for being robbed. You get in trouble when you do something wrong.

I’ve been watching this one closely. I knew there was more to this story. Because I’m super smart. And a drunk.

Guilty AF.
Guilty AF.

When I saw the interview of Lochte talking about having a gun pointed at his head, I was skeptical to say the least. He’s a smooth operator, that one. If he’s going to lie, he’s going balls out. And I have to say, it’s really the only way to go.

Not only did he say he was held up at gunpoint, but he made it seem like he was a freaking superhero. I was actually expecting to see a split screen of him changing in a phone booth into a bulletproof Speedo.

His story went something like this. They were approached by some bad dudes and the other three swimmers got down on their hands and knees handing over all of their worldly possessions begging for mercy. Presumably crying for their mommies.

But not SuperLochte.

He stood his ground. He told the bad guys that he didn’t do anything wrong. He’s not getting down. Then the bad guys not only pointed a gun at his head- they cocked it. This guy pays attention to detail.

Begrudgingly, he offers his wallet. But not his phone or Olympic credentials. This guy’s got balls of steel. No brains. But rock solid balls.

I picture him running his fingers through his silver fox hair before he hands it over. With no sweat to be wiped from his brow. Because he’s that cool.

While watching this interview on the beach, I could only think of the other three swimmers. Sitting somewhere watching the live video coverage as Lochte makes them look like a bunch of penises. All the while knowing he’s lying.

I’m anxious for the video. Lochte had the sense to lawyer up and get the rock out of Rio. ASAP. So one can only presume he’s the most guilty.

Allegedly what really happened is that they broke down a bathroom door at a gas station. I get it. You gotta go, you gotta go. These guys could use some more bladder control like forty-one-year-old Olympian Oksana Chusovotina. Now there’s a gal that can hold it.

Allegedly they also beat up a security guard at the gas station. You can’t have a story about pretty jocks without an innocent man being ganged up on and beat up four to one.

I’ve gotten drunk. I’ve lied to make myself look better. We all lie. It’s human nature. Especially when alcohol is involved.

The only difference is when the rest of us get drunk and lie no one cares. No one is even listening. Because they’re drunk too. Thinking of the next lie they’re going to tell.

But when you’re an Olympian in a foreign country you can’t lie. It’s 2016. Big Brother is always watching.

And for all the people out there who are going to start crying about them being heroes and role models. Save it. They’re human. They were celebrating being the best in the world at an amazing sport. They got drunk and made mistakes.

That’s real life. No one is perfect. These are just normal people who are capable of extraordinary things. One of them being the ability to fabricate a story. So let’s just get off our soapboxes and move on with our lives.

Be your kids role models and stop depending on someone else to do it for you. Teach your kids that when they do go out into the world and make mistakes you’ll be there for them no matter what. Let them know that you will forgive them and you love them.

Like my parents did.

“So the moral of the story is: Who are you to judge? There’s only one true judge and that’s God, so chill and let my Father do His job.” ~Salt n Pepa

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