When it comes to quotes, my Aunt Batsy is right up there with Dr. Phil McGraw. Where she comes up with this stuff I’ll never know. But I’m glad she does.
When someone dies she likes to call me and tell me about it. I normally have no clue who the person is. That’s when she gets all fired up and says something like, “You know who I mean, the Nolans from the fruit stand.” Um, I’m not even sure I know what a fruit stand is, let alone the Nolans from the fruit stand.
Or something along the lines of, “You know who I mean. The guy who ran the books out of the paper stand by the bus barns. His niece.” Nope. No clue what any of that just meant. So that’s when I say, “Oh yeah that guy. I remember now.”
So she’ll call me and ask me to get on my machine and let everyone know that a person has died. Sometimes I do get on my machine and tell everyone. Sometimes I don’t. Because sometimes I’m so certain no one else on Earth knows who in God’s name she’s talking about either. And you’re all welcome for that.
One of my favorite things she likes to tell people about me is that my parents are dead. There is no need for these people to be privy to this information. But she loves to make things awkward. After her knee replacement, I went to visit her in the hospital. As soon as I walk in she introduces me to the nurse. “This is my niece, Eileen. Her parents are dead. She’s sad.”
The other day I had the pleasure of taking my Aunt Batsy for a ride in the car. It was only a ten minute car ride, but she still managed to give me enough info to write an entire book about her. It’s actually pretty amazing.
All of these Aunt Batsy-isms came out of her mouth in this single ride. And this is only the stuff I could remember or that I could type in my phone at the red lights.
“Oh that one? He’s not burning on all burners.”
Now this is one of my favorites. It can really describe someone. We all have that friend that’s not burning on all burners.
“He’s so cheap he wouldn’t pay a nickel to watch Christ ride a bicycle.”
I’ve actually heard her say this since I was a kid. But it never gets old. Now that’s one cheap SOB.
“I mean everyone’s got their shit.”
She says this after she’s judged someone like only she can.
“I’m half dead myself.”
She loves berating “old” people. She’s 83. Anyone a day older is old AF. And she’s not afraid to tell you in what she thinks is a whisper.
“Who does she think she is, Miss America?”
One of the best. Now if you take a trip or buy a new car or look nice, this is what you get. Who the hell do you think you are doing something nice for yourself?
“Between me and you she’s a little soft.”
I’m pretty sure this is the exact quote she uses to describe me to her friends.
“But that’s none of my business.”
After she’s just shared an amazing piece of gossip about someone I don’t even know.
“Do you know any pipe fitters?”
Now she doesn’t actually need one. Her pipes are fit. But she just throws it into the convo like it was meant to be there.
“Can you be half gay? Now how does that work?”
I always just say, it’s 2017, you can be whatever you want to be. And that’s when she says…
“What the hell do I care? I’m too old for that crap.”
She’s not the most PC person in the world. The good news is, she doesn’t ever use the word retarded. The bad news is, she uses the word mongoloid. The first time I heard her say it I had to google it. Because she was using it to describe one of my children.
And I wouldn’t want it any other way.