A Few Reasons Why I’m a Freaking Amazing Mom

Now of course I couldn't possibly fit all of the reasons I'm so amazing into just one post. So this is just part one of a multi-part series. And I'm pretty sure it will be ongoing. Til the day I die. Bribery. If I want my kids to do something I simply bribe them. It can be something as simple as, go fill my wine and I'll count to see how long it takes you. Or something along the lines of, do your sister's homework and I'll give you ten…

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My Kids are Always Crying. For None Reason.

It never ceases to amaze me what my kids cry about. When they are actually hurting, I actually feel. And I could actually cry with them. If I had any tears left. But 99% of the time my kids cry, it's for none reason. This is something my kids love to say. She just hit me for none reason. He ate my gum for none reason. He peed on the floor for none reason. It's for no reason, you morons. But I don't ever correct them because I'm an awesome…

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Buying a Bathing Suit at Forty. Amazeballs.

Just a few short weeks from now I will be on Spring Break. In sunny Florida. With a group of my besties and their families. There are nine families all together and it is sure to be an amazing week. But the anticipation of this trip is painful. Not only is time moving at a snail's pace, but I also have to purchase a bathing suit. I'm used to having until June to reclaim my svelte beach bod. From all of winter's indiscretions. Plenty of time to recover from the…

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How Hard Can It Be To Aim a Penis?

I don't actually have a penis. But it seems to me that aiming one doesn't take all that much dexterity. Even a man should be able to manage it. Men have it made. They can pee anywhere. Standing up. On the side of the road. Into a bottle. Anywhere. Yet when it comes to the toilet they can't quite seem to make it to their destination. The males in my house have a really hard time with accuracy. Especially in the morning. I know this because as soon as I…

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I Have So Many Questions for April the Giraffe

Holy Mary Mother of God. Enough with the giraffe already. Whose idea was this to live stream this anyway? And why did it have to start weeks in advance? Jesus, I thought my pregnancies were long. But I have to give mega props to whoever came up with the idea. It really is marketing genius. And this is my absolute fave meme about the entire ordeal. Now that's funny. A giraffe faking a pregnancy to keep her man. I mean we've all done it. Or at least thought about it.…

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