I took Aunt Batsy to the mall. I will shop exclusively online from this moment forward.

Taking Aunt Batsy and three kids to the mall is like entering a burning building. Without a hose. Without oxygen. Yet somehow I survive to tell about it. Just like anyone entering a burning building, I knew my chances were slim. But I still went through with it. Because Aunt Batsy has a freaking coupon. We are only going to Macy's. So I trick myself into thinking it might just be okay. But it wasn't. I'm a really bad tricker. And not only does she have a coupon, but she…

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What You Need To Know About Trying On the Dress Your Dead Grandma Will Be Buried In

Allow me to introduce my Aunt Batsy. She is my Dad's oldest sister. And it would be impossible to truly ever explain her to anyone. But I'm going to try. The other day I left my cell phone at her house. I didn't realize it until I got to the grocery store. So it was about an hour before I got back to her house to retrieve it. When I knocked on the door I heard her yell.  You left your phone! Your phone is here!  Yes, that's why I'm back. She…

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Getting the Kids Back To School. The Struggle is Real.

I really, really dread summer coming to an end. The monotony of back to school. The God damn lunches. Four this year. Plus two snacks. Every. Damn. Day. My kids started school yesterday. With just a half day. Followed by another half day today. I go back to work on Monday. So I wasn't expecting much. But holy bajaysus! Have I enjoyed these hours of pure bliss more than I could ever imagine. It's amazing what some alone time can do for your psyche. I'll take you back to Wednesday…

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