I took Aunt Batsy to the mall. I will shop exclusively online from this moment forward.

Taking Aunt Batsy and three kids to the mall is like entering a burning building. Without a hose. Without oxygen. Yet somehow I survive to tell about it. Just like anyone entering a burning building, I knew my chances were slim. But I still went through with it. Because Aunt Batsy has a freaking coupon. We are only going to Macy's. So I trick myself into thinking it might just be okay. But it wasn't. I'm a really bad tricker. And not only does she have a coupon, but she…

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I survived the first day of school. Kinda.

Today was the first day of school for my kids. We’ve had an amazing summer. But it’s time. Just time. Time to start fresh. Time to get back in the swing of things. Time to get on living our lives. Back to School I love the first day of school. Everyone is up and at ‘em. Everyone is excited. Everyone is so clean. Shining like the top of the Chrysler Building. And everyone is so full of hope. Maybe a little too much hope. Like me, for instance. I’m bringing my…

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OMG. Homework in May. I. Can. Not.

It's May. It's finally warm. It's baseball season. My life is so out of control right now that I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. A typical day consists of getting up and going to work. Easiest part of my day. Because when that bell rings at 2:45 it's worse than the alarm going off in the morning. Time to start my for real day. The hundreds of students I see on the daily are no match for the four I have at home. Once…

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As a Teacher, The Last Thing I Need in My Classroom is a Freaking Gun.

You want to give me a gun? Have you met me? Have you met any teacher, ever? Spend one day in a CPS school and see if you still feel the same way. Think of all of the teachers you've had in your life. Would you have wanted all of them to be armed with a deadly weapon? I'll be the first to admit that I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but none of this makes sense to me. This is not what I signed up for.…

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We Had No WiFi at Work and It Was the Worst Day of My Life.

This is not an easy topic to write about. It's taken me a while to actually put into words this horrific experience. But if it can help at least one person out there, it will be worth it. A few weeks ago I got to work and I could tell something was amiss. Right away. Because people were conversing with one another. No one was hulled away in their classrooms staring at their laptops. People were in the halls. Communicating. I knew it was going to be bad. But really…

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I’m Back. New Year. Pretty Much Same Me.
We even dress alike.

I’m Back. New Year. Pretty Much Same Me.

So I took a little time off from writing. I just needed to recharge and regroup. And really concentrate on my other passion. Drinking. Best thing I could have done. Because now I'm back and ready to rock. My holidays were amazing. Santa was extremely generous to my kids. And some day soon I may actually pick up the remaining wrapping paper that's littering my basement and put away the decorations. But for now I'm content with just closing the basement door. On New Year's Eve we took the kids…

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Everyone Is Really Courageous, When Hiding Behind Their Keyboard.

There is nothing I love more than kicking another mom when she's down. It's so fun. It makes me feel so much better about myself. I just love letting the world know how superior I am to everyone else. While sitting at home alone. Basking in the warm glow of my computer screen. It's called keyboard courage. And apparently, it's highly contagious. When a first time mom writes a frantic post on The Book asking a question like only a first-timer can, I can't type fast enough. I like to…

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My Husband Went to the Grocery Store. Bless His Heart.

A few of my besties and I were chatting the other day. And it just so happened to be over some wine. We got on the subject of the hubses, as we often do. Bless their hearts. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines a martyr as: a person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get praise or sympathy. I do the grocery shopping. I budget the money for it. I know what everyone likes. I know what stores have the best of everything. After doing it for so…

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If You’re a CPS Teacher In September, You’re Hangry and Broke. But Not Alone.

Up until a few years ago CPS teachers got their pay spread out through the entire year. Then it was taken away. So in order to have money over the summer we had to learn how to save throughout the year. And then make it last throughout the summer. Sounds easy. But it's not. At least for me it isn't. And for most of my friends it isn't either. So this is what it's like to be a CPS teacher in the month of September. Breakfast: Toast. With Butter. Lunch:…

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Bye Kids! Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass!

For moms and dads, this might be the most glorious time of year. Getting the kids out of the house. For hours on end. Not having to worry about where they are because you know. They're at school. They're not going to be ringing the doorbell as I'm trying to write, yelling, let me back in! There will be no begging for food ten minutes after breakfast is served. There will be no one telling me it's too hot out to swim (one of my personal faves). And whoever the…

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My Kids Would Have Never Made It Growing Up In The 80’s

I would love to throw any kid between the ages of two and eighteen right back into the nineteen eighties for a day. They would never make it. Not saying I wouldn't have a hard time myself. But to anyone who hasn't lived like that, it would be pure torture. I lost the remote control to the television one day and I'm not going to lie. I was pissed. I sat on the couch and sulked. I was so angry. What am I supposed to do now? Get off my…

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Being on a School Bus in 95 Degree Heat. The Grossest Thing. Eva.

It's no secret that I'm not really a fan of field trips. Something I probably should have considered before I became a teacher. And had children of my own. I have been to hell and back. And I lived to tell my story. Barely. Yesterday our eighth grade class had their graduation luncheon. It's an amazing party to celebrate this milestone in their lives. Normally a glorious occasion. Until the temperature reaches 95 freaking degrees and you're on a yellow school bus with no freaking AC and you're wearing a…

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