I took Aunt Batsy to the mall. I will shop exclusively online from this moment forward.

Taking Aunt Batsy and three kids to the mall is like entering a burning building. Without a hose. Without oxygen. Yet somehow I survive to tell about it. Just like anyone entering a burning building, I knew my chances were slim. But I still went through with it. Because Aunt Batsy has a freaking coupon. We are only going to Macy's. So I trick myself into thinking it might just be okay. But it wasn't. I'm a really bad tricker. And not only does she have a coupon, but she…

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Teaching kindergarten last period on a Friday. Chill the damn wine.

Whoa. The first few weeks of school. It's been real. To begin, allow me to introduce myself. I am a school counselor. Who teaches Character Education. To children in grades K-8. Now even though this is my absolute dream job, it does come with a few drawbacks. I am forbidden by law to name names, but allow me to paint the picture. I love working with kids in the upper grades. They get me. It's my jam. They laugh politely at my jokes. And roll their eyes at me behind…

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After all these years. I still have no clue about football.

My name is Eileen and I am forty-two years old and I still don't understand football. There I said it. It feels good to get that off my big chest. Forty-two years of trying. Sometimes even really trying. To understand this damn game. And still nothing. I spent my twenties watching every single Chicago Bear's game ever played. An entire decade devoted to a sport I don't even like. An entire decade devoted to getting drunk on Sundays. But still nothing. I always just skated by. Wearing the jerseys. Kitty-killing…

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My Nice Cooking Lesson With My Nice Italian Family

Iโ€™ve been on a real Italian kick lately. Because Beau is part Italian. Which makes my kids even parter Italian. So itโ€™s important to me to get to know their people.  A few weeks ago a group of us decided to go to Italian Fest. Which is the absolute dumbest place to go when youโ€™re trying to not eat carbs. But then I remembered Italian people like wine. So I went. All I can say for sure is that a good time was had by all. Being Italian for the…

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For the Love of God. Suicide is Not Taking The Easy Way Out!

When you have the flu, you feel horrible. You lie in bed in the fetal position. You don't try to hide it from everyone. You don't try to deal with it all on your own. You let others know that you're sick and that you need their help. When the flu knocks the socks right off of you, you run to the doctor, talk openly about your symptoms and have no problem taking any medication the doctor prescribes. Because you don't want to feel that lousy anymore. You want to…

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