How Hard Can It Be To Aim a Penis?

I don't actually have a penis. But it seems to me that aiming one doesn't take all that much dexterity. Even a man should be able to manage it. Men have it made. They can pee anywhere. Standing up. On the side of the road. Into a bottle. Anywhere. Yet when it comes to the toilet they can't quite seem to make it to their destination. The males in my house have a really hard time with accuracy. Especially in the morning. I know this because as soon as I…

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I Have So Many Questions for April the Giraffe

Holy Mary Mother of God. Enough with the giraffe already. Whose idea was this to live stream this anyway? And why did it have to start weeks in advance? Jesus, I thought my pregnancies were long. But I have to give mega props to whoever came up with the idea. It really is marketing genius. And this is my absolute fave meme about the entire ordeal. Now that's funny. A giraffe faking a pregnancy to keep her man. I mean we've all done it. Or at least thought about it.…

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I’m Really In No Shape To Be Working Out

Oh. Em. Gee. I went on a field trip today. To the Chicago Bulls and White Sox Training Academy. With a bunch of kids in the absolute prime of their athletic lives. Field trips are supposed to be educational. And I learned something all right. That I'm getting older. And out of shape. And will never be a professional athlete. The truth hurts. But not as much as my burning thighs. Or the bloody lump on my knee. Or my current level of self-confidence. I will spend my evening icing…

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