Once upon a time, you could get drunk and the only people who would know about it were the people getting drunk with you. In that same room. That’s all. And chances are no one would remember the next day so there was no shame involved.
Then the telephone was invented. And soon after, the drunk dial became every binge drinker’s worst nightmare. You could go out and get star spangled hammered and come home and somehow think calling your ex-boyfriend was a good idea.
For years the drunk dial was the most humiliating thing you could do while intoxicated. It was a glorious time. We just didn’t know it.
Waking up the morning after a drunk dial was never fun. But in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t really a big deal. Because you only had one person to be embarrassed about.
Enter 2016. With the internet. With the phone in your pocket. With the internet on the said phone. With the camera. With the video camera.
It’s a recipe for disaster. The entire universe gets to see every drunken faux pas. And it will stay out there, somewhere in “CyberSpace”. Wherever the hell that is. For. Ev. Er.
People take screenshots of everything these days. Go ahead, delete it. It’s still there. It will live on for all eternity.
I have a strict three drink rule. If I decide to have a fourth (finish the bottle) I have to turn my phone off. Nothing good can come out of me finishing a bottle of wine and commenting on Facebook. Nothing. Not one God damn thing. Trust me on this one.
Requesting a Friendship
I love when someone asks, are you friends or Facebook friends? Friends are people you know and have actually conversed with. Face to face. Making eye contact. The old fashioned way.
Facebook friends are people you know through the internet. Maybe you have never even met them. Of course you can be friends and Facebook friends with one person. But they can be two entirely different things.
The worst thing to do while intoxibooking is to request the friendship of someone you wouldn’t be requesting if you weren’t three sheets to the wind. You’ve crossed the line. You’re borderline stalking now.
There is no reason for you to be Facebook friends. If you ran into them at the grocery store you’d go out of your way to avoid the awkward confrontation. But you’re all of the sudden dying to see their pics. You want to see what their spouse looks like. Or better yet, ex-spouse. You want to make sure they got fatter than you. You need to make sure your kids are cuter than theirs.
Because in your drunken state, even your kids are looking cute to you.
The next day you realize you are now friends. You will now have to say hi to them when you see them in public. Those are the rules. But it could be worse. You could realize they didn’t accept your friend request.
The Drunken Rant
Ranting on Facebook is bad. But ranting while drinking is even worse. I don’t care what your sober thoughts are, let alone your drunken ones.
The beauty of the drunken rant is that when you’re doing it, you really think it makes so much sense. So much sense that you had never had that thought when sober.
And the entire time you’re typing you’re thinking in the back of your head, no one will know I’m drunk. When really all we have to do is look at the time. Yeah, you’re drunk.
The Parent Pages
Stay off your child’s school Facebook page while drinking. The people on those pages mean business. They go there for information. They don’t care about your drunken wittiness.
And chances are you will be spending the rest of your life with these people. Electronically speaking, of course. You embarrass your kids enough sober. No need to let everyone know what a lush you are. Because they know. Everyone knows.
You need to put down that wine glass and rethink that one. Your witty comment can wait until tomorrow. When even you will realize it doesn’t make sense.
Pictures at the Bar
All of the sudden everything is hilarious. And needs to be captured on film. And posted immediately. You can’t possibly wait another second.
Taking a selfie with your bestie at the bar is cute. It’s adorable. Everyone loves a good drunken pic with the girls.
But taking twelve in a row and posting them all in chronological order is a dead give away. You’re drunk. We knew it after the first picture. And now we’re embarrassed for you.
I never like to put limits on myself. So not only do I drunk post on Facebook, but I also like to drunk text. This is much more intimate affair, but can be equally humiliating.
You know I’m intoxitexting when I start sending things that I think are hilarious. But no one responds. So instead of turning off my cellular device, I just send more things that I think are even more hilarious. Then I wake up the next morning and look at my indiscretions and realize why no one responded. I can’t even remember why I thought it was so funny.
I consider myself an expert in this area of intoxication. Because I have done every single one of these things. More than once. And will probably continue to do so in the future. But if this post can help just one intoxicated person out there, then my job here is done.