Nine years ago tomorrow my life changed forever. I gave birth to my first child. I cannot believe it’s been nine years.
It was an amazing day. And I love to relive all the moments each year on this day. I never took any classes to prepare for the birthing process. I figured the baby would come out one way or another.
And it did. My birth plan consisted of having my two coaches there by my side. Beau and Shelly. Beau because he was probably the father of the child-to-be and Shelly because she had given birth before so I knew she’d be able to tell me what to do.
I had t-shirts made for each of them. Beau’s said Baby’s Daddy and Shelly’s said Coach. Because when you are waiting nine months for your life to change forever, you have lots of time on your hands. I haven’t made any shirts since then.
The night before the big day Beau attended a bachelor party. Bless his heart. I didn’t care for that idea. I had a feeling that the baby was coming so I calmly explained to him in an even tone that if he had so much as one sip of beer I would be putting my maiden name on the birth certificate, darling.
Beau stayed sober and good thing he did. I spent the night working out on the elliptical and staring at my fat self in the mirror. While everyone else in my family went to Michigan for the holiday weekend.
In the morning Boosie and Shelly called asking if I had the baby yet. Yes, I had the freaking baby and didn’t call anyone. Beau was still sleeping and I decided I better get in the shower and start my God damn babyless day.
On my way to the bathroom my water broke. More like exploded. All over my dining room. I sweetly called for Beau to arise from his freaking slumber and mop that crap up.
I did what I was supposed to do. I called the doctor, who of course was out of town for the weekend. Some other guy told me to head to the hospital. So I did. After I showered and blew my hair out and put my face on.
There was no sense of urgency for some reason. We debated stopping for breakfast, but I thought we should just go straight there. A decision I still regret. I did not know that they don’t let you eat while in labor. Should have taken that class.
We get to the hospital and the snippy nurse looks at me like I’m an idiot because I’m a first timer. I said my water broke and she said well we’ll see if it is really your water. If it isn’t my water, I got bigger problems.
It was. Told you so. They admit me and hook me up to a million machines and it was all so exciting.
My first question was when can I get the epidural? The answer was, whenever you want it. Awesome. I’ll take it right now before I even feel one damn contraction. And that’s exactly what I did.
Shelly drove in from Michigan and was there by now. So then it was just the three of us. Sitting there. Waiting. For what, I really had no idea.
A doctor or nurse would come in every so often to check me. I was progressing along slowly but surely. When they said I was at a five, I asked what do I have to get to?
That’s how clueless I was. By this time, Beau and Shelly had visited the snack shop no less than five times. They just kept eating in front of me. I was a smidge annoyed. I can still remember how awesome those Twizzlers smelled.
My brother Juan and his wife Molleen came by. They were out celebrating his birthday at the restaurant across the street. Juan brought over a nice hot pizza. They put it on the table right next to my bed. I dared anyone to eat a piece of it.
Finally, it was go time. I couldn’t feel a damn thing. A nice nurse took my temperature and wasn’t impressed that I had just reapplied my lip gloss and got it all over her thermometer. But I wanted to be camera ready.
The other nurse asked me if I wanted to do some “practice” pushes. Hell yeah I did. I was ready for this. Well I ended up practice pushing for over an hour.
It was finally then that I actually felt the urge to push. What a waste of my energy. I later learned that nurse had never actually given birth. I’d like to give her a practice push of my own.
At one point I remember someone trying to put a wet cloth on top of my head. Are you nuts? I blew my hair out. You can’t get it wet! I need to look great for the pics. The nerve.
The baby finally came out after a few real pushes and I was so amazed. Not at the baby, but at myself. I felt so accomplished that I had just given birth.
I thought everyone should be high-fiving me and telling me how amazing I was. Nope. Now all anyone cared about was this damn baby.
I kept looking over at Shelly and Beau. Like, hey, remember me? The one who just gave freaking birth. I felt a little more attention should have been thrown my way. I kept trying to see what they were all doing but I couldn’t see to either side because my vision was all wacky with all of the practicing pushing.
They tried handing me the baby, but he wasn’t exactly camera ready. I suggested they bathe him first and then I would hold him. After I got ahold of my lip gloss and rouge, of course.
First impressions are very important. When I did finally hold him it was really cool. I was in awe that this was my baby. But I wasn’t totally head over heels in love or anything. Not like some people say.
I just really couldn’t believe that he was inside of me and now he was outside of me. Luckily, my bestie ,Gidget, had prepared me for this. She told me that she didn’t have an instant connection with her baby and it took time for her to fall in love. I mean how can you really love somebody you just met?
We needed to get to know each other first. And in time I did fall in love. But first I ate that pizza.
We had a lot of visitors come up to the hospital. It was so fun. I showered and got to wear all the cute post-partum matching pajamas I had packed. I loved it.
But then they were sending us home. Say what? You’re just going to let us take this kid home?
Is there a book or video or something to accompany us? We haven’t the slightest clue what we are supposed to do when we get home. But they didn’t care.
When we were leaving Beau waved to all the nurses and said, bye, see you next year! Haha. Oh Beau. You’re so witty. Next year. Dream on. But sure enough we were in the exact same hospital one year and sixteen days later. I was addicted.