Nothing. I learned nothing. Not one freaking thing.
Actually that’s not entirely true. I did learn just how insanely disorganized my life really is. And that’s going to take lots of alcohol to forget again. But I’m up for the challenge.
I also learned I need alcohol to sleep. I need alcohol to deal with stress. I need alcohol just as much on sunny days as I do on rainy days. Maybe even more so.
I also learned to feel. And if it’s all the same to you, I just prefer not. To feel. Ever. It just makes my life easier. And more fun.
Alcohol is my life source. It keeps me connected to my friends. Alcohol defines me. And I’m okay with that.
Six weeks ago I signed up for a weight-loss, body-building, lifestyle change at a local gym with my frezin, Shelly. Because we do everything together. We get fat together and we get skinny together.
One of the terms was to not drink any alcohol for the duration. Kind of like AA with dumbbells. But I’m a realist. I would never preach one thing and do another. My last name is not Duggar. So I knew I would cheat on the alcohol front. After all, I am human. I had a funeral and Mother’s Day lumped into these six weeks. What am I a robot?
When we were younger Shelly and I joined Weight Watchers. We were in our twenties and did not have kids. The first week we wrote down every single bite and sip we took. I will never forget the look on that leader’s face when she saw our alcohol consumption. We learned that some things are better left unsaid.
To all of my family and friends who called/texted/posted about how they knew I would never be able to go 6 weeks without drinking. Thank you. Your inspiration overwhelmed me.
Beau liked pointing out how my not drinking was so much harder on him. Oh Beau. You sonofabitch. Bless your freaking heart.
I’m sure I was an absolute dream to be around with no booze, no diary, no wheat, no carbs, no sugar. No fun. I’ll admit, I was hangry. A lot.
I went into this thinking I would accomplish so much. It was going to be amazing. Even after the six weeks I might just stay dry.
I never actually thought that, but someone may have. Somewhere.
I just hope it doesn’t take me that long to build my tolerance back up. I did not go into reverse liver failure for nothing. Drinking is who I am. It’s what I know. It’s how I do. It took me roughly 20 years to get here. I’m not throwing that all away.
By my calculations I drank five times. I got drunk three of those times. I blacked out twice. So when you average it all out, I really only drank about 1.5 times. And that’s pretty damn amazing. If I was updating my Facebook status I would use the emoji with the toothy grin, rosy cheeks and stars for eyes.
Making it through these six weeks has taught me I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. As long as it involves a nice cold beverage at the end of the day. With a splash of fun.
A few other things I learned on my healthy/new me/lifestyle journey…
Buying a fitbit doesn’t make you skinny. They should really put that on the packaging. Can I have my hundred dollars back? I wore that thing for weeks and I didn’t lose one ounce. Now that’s false advertising. Turns out I’m not a sound sleeper. But I didn’t need a wristband to tell me my kids wake me up 12 times a night.
Your hubs will end up losing way more weight than you even though he was not on a diet. It’s absolutely infuriating. His jeans are falling off and mine are just starting to button. Bless their healthy freaking hearts.
And the most important thing I learned is that I will never again wear a two piece bathing suit. No matter how much weight I lose. Life has just been that unkind. And you’re all welcome for that. There is no amount of alcohol that can ever change that fact. I can accept it now.
In my defense, I didn’t have one drop of wine for the entire six weeks. And I miss it. Maybe more than I miss my mom. I am looking so forward to downing a bottle or three this weekend. Allow me to apologize in advance to everyone I cross paths with.