There’s Nothing More Painful Than Stepping On A Freaking Lego

It always happens when you least expect it. It can happen in broad daylight. It can happen in the darkness of night. Which always makes it scarier. But the excruciating pain is always the same. Each and every freaking time.

Nothing makes me lose my shit like stepping on a freaking Lego. There is just nothing like it. I gave birth four times. I had a major back injury. I watched my parents die slow painful deaths. But nothing, I mean NOTHING, compares to the pain of stepping on a Lego.

I don’t even have feeling in my left foot and it still hurts like hell to step on a Lego. I have been blind drunk and have completely sobered up by stepping on a Lego. I have woken up my entire family in the dead of night stepping on a Lego. I have used words I didn’t even know I knew stepping on a Lego.

The struggle is real.

And it’s not only the mind numbing pain that Legos have brought to me that makes me hate them. It’s everything about them that makes me hate them. But stepping on one is at the top of the list.

I just don’t get it. Maybe if I had only one child. And maybe if that one child was remotely talented. Maybe Legos wouldn’t bother me so much.

One neat little child who took care of their belongings. One little angel who actually built what was on the box and didn’t throw them all over the God forsaken house as soon as they opened the box. But that’s not the case. Not even close.

I have four little blessings. Who are not remotely talented in the art of Lego building. Look Mom, I made a robot. No you didn’t. You stacked eight blue Legos on top of one another. You want to know what you made? You made nothing.

This is what my kids do with Legos.

A real freaking masterpiece.

A real freaking masterpiece.

Some of our son’s developmental doctors suggested we encourage our kids to play with Legos. It would really encourage their non-verbal development. They said.

But after seeing what my kids do with them, I’m pretty sure Legos have actually made them dumber. If the goal was to get all the pieces as far away from each other as possible, my kids would be geniuses. If only they understood you are supposed to put them together. And not scatter them around the house in the most inopportune places. For me to step on.

And don’t even get me started on how expensive they are. I have hundreds of dollars scattered throughout my house. Buying Legos is like buying a new car. The moment you drive it off the lot it depreciates in value. The moment my kids lose that first piece, the entire box is useless.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter if they made Legos more practical. How about a wine glass made of Legos? Build me something I could put to good use. Or perhaps a Lego ashtray? I was always making ashtrays for my mom. They really need to bring Art back into the schools.

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