To My Single Friend On Valentine’s Day

Being married on Valentine’s Day is amazing. Just as amazing as every other day of the freaking year. I will go to work. I will come home. I will make five different dinners. My kids will fight and be aholes and I’ll count the minutes until I drug them to sleep. And as soon as they’re all finally unconscious, Beau will walk through the door.

It’s pretty damn romantic. It makes being single on Valentine’s Day seem amazeballs. Minus the balls.

I have a single friend named Hot Fudge. She’s really single. Like as single as it gets. So I like to cheer her up on days like today by pointing out the obvious to make her feel better about her sad life situation and the poor choices she has made.


It could be worse, Hot Fudge. You could have AIDS. And let’s be real. You actually might.

She’s really lucky to have someone like me in her life.

I try to always make everything about me. Because I’m a counselor and that’s what I do best. You think you have it bad? I can top that.

Counseling 101:


Suddenly not having a valentine doesn’t seem so bad now does it?

I look at Hot Fudge’s life and it seems pretty damn awesome. She gets to do whatever she wants. And she answers to no one. Except her cats.

She travels whenever she wants. To wherever she wants. For however long she wants.

She gets to sleep alone. Every single night. Day after endless day. Night after lonely night.

She gets to eat every single meal alone. Never having to cut anyone else’s meat. It sounds perfect. Unless, of course, she chokes.

Because that would be the absolute, hands down, saddest way to die. Alone. With a piece of meat lodged between you and your last breath.

The funny thing is, I know she looks at my life and wishes she was me. I mean she’s never actually said this out loud, but I’m sure she thinks it. I get to wipe others people’s butts on the daily. I drink myself into a coma most nights. And I look forward to death just so I can rest.

Hot Fidge
Call me.

I guess the grass really is always greener. I want what Hot Fudge has and she wants what I got. Quite the conundrum. I am just thankful that we have each other this Valentine’s Day.

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