We Are Not Making Homemade Freaking Slime. Ever.

Oh. My. God.

I. Can. Not.

Enough with the DIY crap my kids keep begging me to do. What do I look like a freaking pinterest board?

Mom can we make slime today?

No. No we cannot make slime today.

Well when can we?

Never. But that might still be too soon.

But all my friends are making slime.

No they’re not. I just talked to all of their moms and their moms hate slime making just as much as I do.

You want to know when you and your friends can do your shitty DIY projects? When you graduate college and get your own apartments together. But don’t expect to get your security deposit back.

When I was a kid and we were driving in the car I would try to put my music on the radio. My Dad would blow smoke in my face as he yelled to turn it off. And then he would say when I was old enough to buy my own car I could listen to any music I wanted.

It’s the same thing. Buy your own house and make as big a mess as you want. Although when I did buy my first car my Dad sat right in that passenger seat and put the White Sox game on. As he lit a cigarette. So good luck with that.


Stop asking me to buy you borax.

Stop asking for glue. You already wasted the supply that should have lasted us years.

And for the love of God stop asking for glitter. Yes, I know it’s your favorite color. But I just don’t care.

I don’t want to make anything that is readily available at the store.

Homemade paint?


Homemade chalk?

Not on my watch.

You want to play with chalk? Become a teacher.

It’s 2017. And we aren’t Amish. I have a job. We don’t need to make our own shit.

So please, please stop asking. Because the answer is a resounding NO. Hell freaking naw.

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